bro is a worm
July 13, 2025
aaaaaaaaaaghhhhghhhh.Hey there. I was pretty split on whether to make a blog post for this month. Everything happened, nothing happened, and I think I'm going insane. But what is this website except an empty void of which I can puke out my stupid feelings? It's not like anyone reads this anyways... okay, here we go.
After my adventure in Colorado, I returned to ye olde humble abode (Jen's house) in Oak Hill, West Virginia. There, me and my roomate Grayson prepared for Fayetteville's first pride! We decided to table together at the art market, and for someone who usually only gets a sale or two, I had a pretty good showing. Grayson had an even better day, outselling me 6x over, thanks in part to the official dirtfag.neocities.com lino-cut patch merch! Get yours today! It was a great weekend, being Stella's birthday there was a bunch of highlines and waterlines up at the lake, and I got to try my luck at sitting and falling over and over again. My friend Eli visited all the way from Michigan, and although our time together was short, we at least were able to share a slice of pizza. Fayetteville pride was also a blast, I got to sell one of my prints to a drag queen, only to immediately tip her the money back during her performance. Then me and Grayson spent the night by the dance floor, pining over this super hot buff rock-guide guy who wouldn't notice or care if I exploded into a million pieces. Upon the strong desire to stalk their Instagram, I was instead reminded to scheduale my next lobotomy. Ugh.
During most of this month I was very intensely spiraling, as I tend to do when I don't have some sort of silly useless job to keep me from thinking to much. I applied to over two-hundred jobs, ranging from food service to summer camps. I even started one of these jobs as a cook at Kubo Asian Fusion Resturant, right next to the Five and Below. There's no doubt in my mind that I am the first asian person to ever be involved with this resturant, but despite that the food still be bussin'. My new budding career in the kitchen ended up lasting only one day- it turns out none of my cook buddies could speak English all that well, nowhere near fluent enough to teach me how to do anything. Most of the day was spent grunting and pointing, and finally the main cook resorted to puppeting me like a rat in my little chef hat. I've never quit a job on the first day, but it turns out having my arms piloted around the wok like a gundam is my breaking point. Luckily, the next day I had an interview for a Forest Health and Restoration internship with the park service. Despite bombing the call and not really knowing what Forest Health and Restoration means... I got the job? Yay! I start tommorow, and already spent my first paycheck on stickers and Grammicci pants. Let's hope I last longer at this place!
It was a bad month for me mentally, but an excellent month for me climbing-wise. With my large gaps of un-employment leaving free days upon free days, I managed spend nearly every second on the rock. 5.11's and 5.12's, which towards the start of the season seemed impossible, started to come, and come easy. Like at Seneca, I mostly resorted to Facebook Groups in order to find partners. One of the coolest things that happened to me this month is I ended up getting a free inflatable kayak, in return for clogging my Instagram feed with promotions and photos. I used to think that if I was a powerful politician I'd be honorable and un-bribe-able, but I now know I can be bought, and that price is one kayak. I also managed to travel this month, visitng my family in the Smokey Mountains during Fourth of July weekend, and for the first time witnessing the existential horror of Gattlinsburg - hell on earth. That same weekend, I took Grayson up his first multi-pitch and got to hang out with some buddies at Seneca Rocks. A part of me wishes I was there for the season instead of here, where I've struggled to make friends, or even acquaintances, or even see other people. When I'm not climbing with complete strangers, I've spent most of my time alone in my room, laying in the corner of my bed and feeling like shit. Rock climbing makes me feel incredible and important, but it's just putting a band-aid on a bigger issue I need to deal with: the consistent un-relenting loneliness I've felt my entire life. The new is still the coolest place I've ever lived, and if I have to be lonely somewhere, I'm at least glad it's here. Ugh, feelings. Ugh. I'm going to whip my brains out and puke now, thanks. Hopefully with my new job, I'll be able to distract myself from whatever that was by burning in the sun, squinting at plants, and sticking my hands in the dirt. Yesterday I attended a tiny park service meet-up by the creek in Thurmond, where I got to cast a net against the current, kick up rocks, and then look at the tiny organisms that I'd catch. An assortment of stream insects and crustaceans- stoneflies, caddisflies, water pennies, sowbugs. Little little guys bouncing mindlessly through the water. I've been thinking that most of my dangerous thoughts come because of complacency and boredom. I live in an air conditioned house, and don't have to chase down my meals with a sharp stick. Should I go to grad school? Should I get my nipple pierced? Should I just say fuck it, move back into my car and head west? God I wish I was a bug. Why is this the exact same conclusion I come to everytime I type too long???